This page shows all of my old blog posts that I couldn't bare to get rid of... I think it is important to look back on the growth of a person... And this is like my own personal archive of my late teens.
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Body Imagine is one of those extremely difficult things to talk about. You can either love your body and be called arrogant or you can hate it and get called an attention seeker! It's the painful truth that so many people face on a day to day basis. I used to get bullied quite bad when I was in High School. I definitely feel like I can blame the negative way that I perceive myself on those very hard years that I dealt with.
I have a love-hate relationship with my body at the moment. It is unfortunate that this "hate" word is still in my head when I think about my body. I don't want it to be there but it is so damn hard for it not to be. Some mornings I will wake up and look in the mirror and think "You know what... I deserve to feel good today. Look at my body. Look at it go! Let's put on some sexy undies and feel like it". However.... The next day I might wake up take one look in the mirror and think to myself "you know what... You do not look good. You have a muffin top, your boobs are saggy... Is that a fucking pimple on your face?! Wow look at your cellulite. YOU ARE DISGUSTING". Why is it that so many of us cannot feel comfortable or happy with our own bodies? Last weekend I was getting ready to go to a Party. I was feeling confident with my skin and I couldn't help but think "girl... You are totally rocking that lipstick and hairdo today". I was feeling great. That was until I opened my wardrobe and sighed because I didn't know what to wear. I was trying on dresses, skirts, jeans, shorts... But all I could see was these beautiful clothes, on a painfully disgusting body. I then broke down because although I thought I looked good for a few minutes that suddenly disappeared. I was in tears because of how none of my clothes suited me (or so I thought). Now why in the world would I suddenly be feeling like this? After trying a new hairdo and make-up and LOVING it..... To then turn around and hate it? The truth is... That day I was on Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook and all those images I saw kicked in. I spent a few hours looking at positive quotes to motivate me, then that linked into diets somehow, which linked into fitness, fashion and make-up, fat girl hacks (yes this is actually a thing),"how to make your face look skinny", "weight loss secrets", "how to get rid of your cellulite", booty workouts, leg workouts, "get rid of that muffin top", "how to be more attractive to your boyfriend", "is your partner sick and tired of the same old body? Change yours now", "get the look here"... Before long I was caught in this world of negative images with products and diets all aimed at my body. As soon as I was feeling a bit negative all of these images came pounding into my head and I realised... I am not good enough. This of course is not true but at that very moment I felt that way. I hate to admit it but sometimes I will go on a social media platform such as Instagram and will be looking at great things such as art, music and cute puppies.... As soon as I see a post though that has to do with weight loss (skinny me tea comes up a lot) I end up going on some stalkerish bloody rave. All I want to do is look at bodies and people and wish that was me. WHAT THE FUCK. It makes me sick thinking about it and why my mind would even begin to do that at all. I don't mean to do it. It just happens and I get sucked into comparing my body to all of these super models that I see plastered all over social media. This is a huge issue in people of different genders and ages! All of these places in the cyber-world where you go on to "have fun" or "socialise" can suddenly be turned into a dark place where you see things that force you to not feel good enough. Sometimes I sit there are think about my body... What it stands for and what it means. That was my project for the week. My body is perfect the way it is but IF I WANT I can change it.. Only if I want though, NOT because a picture on the internet has made me feel like I need to, NOT because someone told me I should, NOT because another family member is improving theirs, NOT because I NEED to... Because I WANT TO. I believe that our bodies are perfect just the way they are but if you want to improve it in your own way you can. I want to become fit... Not to lose weight, but so that I can run when the Zombie Apocalypse starts. I want to eat healthy so that my gut will thrive and love me for it. I want to learn to love my body for what it is and not what society makes me think it should be. Another thing I would like to add is that I have started a Youtube channel!!! If you wanted to check that out then here is my FIRST VIDEO. : I am going to have a giveaway soon which will be part of the beginning of my Youtube channel and also as part of a way that we can all blossom and love our bodies together! Much love to all of you beautiful humans! xox Ps: Feel free to share, subscribe and like!
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I have been suffering from writers block which is why you haven't seen a post from me in a little while. I have so many ideas all on the go, so many posts on the go that I just got stuck and didn't know what to write about exactly! This post is only a small one but is about something that is honestly driving me insane at the moment. Christmas. Need I say anymore? This word is a word that for some reason makes me cringe. Yes, I love over-eating and having a food coma the next day. I like to see people I may not see too much... I just hate that these particular things have to happen because of this one day which in the end has no relevance to me as a person anyway. My family is not religious at all so we don't have that connection with Christmas like some people do. Instead we do it to "fit in" I suppose and because we are in a society where we are pumped with constant advertisements it is hard to avoid it, especially when you have little ones in the family. I personally don't like the whole Christmas thing. It is only September and I have already started getting anxious about Christmas. In fact as soon as I started seeing those photos flying around the cyberworld saying "18 Fridays til Christmas" I started to feel anxious. Why? Why do I feel anxious about something like this? In all honesty I don't really know exactly why. I guess that is the beauty of anxiety... It just happens. Unfortunately these days it seems like people are a lot more ungrateful for receiving gifts from people, unless of course it is the latest iPhone or that game that cost $110. It is a game where you feel like you have to out do the other person. If I spend $10 on something for someone and they spend $50... I look like a tight ass and look like I don't care about that particular person. It is sad that there is so much judgement surrounding gifts and money when we are supposedly meant to be celebrating. I am doing something different this year.. I am planning on making presents. The main reasons I am doing this are because: 1. It is cheaper. Oh soooooo much cheaper. 2. Safety of my own home. I get stressed out shopping... Probably because in general I HATE shopping. I like the idea of ordering supplies, having them come to my door and then that is that. All done. 3. It is from the heart. When you make something it is full of love, effort and thought. I am not saying that buying a present ins't full of thought... But it definitely isn't in the same category that something handmade is in. 4. I AM NOT SUPPORTING THE BIG, OLD, GREEDY AND UNETHICAL COMPANIES PROFITING OFF MASS CONSUMERISM. Christmas is another one of those days that literally is based around mass consumerism. Everyone feels the need to have to buy something for someone in case that person gets them something. It is a chain of never ending consumerism. I am not saying that giving people presents is a bad thing. I just don't see the point in putting so must stress on yourself to make sure that you have enough presents for everyone on that one day. Christmas becomes so damn stressful that the enjoyment is below what it should be. Why is it that on Christmas you get more presents than on your actual Birthday? To me this makes no sense what so ever. I love Birthdays and the thought of celebrating the day that someone was born. I love the feasts that occur, the cake and the happy, smiling, blowing-out-candle photos. This after all is a VERY significant day for not only the person having the Birthday but the family that surrounds them too. On your Birthday it is a day that you can celebrate the fact that you were born into this world and are still alive, you've made it! It is a day where your parents can look at you, your achievements and share stories of your arrival all those years ago with smiles on their faces because they NEVER have to go through that again (haha). On your Birthday you can spend time with the ones that you love and celebrate something relevant to you! The word "Christmas" is a compound word originating in the term "Christ's Mass". Does this not say enough? Why is it that we are spending so much money on food and presents on a day that isn't important to so many of us. I know it makes no sense to be suffering from anxiety because of this ONE day a year... But it is causing just that in my little body. I try not to think about it... But every hour I have a thought about it or see something online or down the street that makes my brain flash at me saying "CHRISTMAS ANXIETY NOW ACTIVATED" and I am left thinking about the stress of gifts, money, gifts, money, sitting in a room with a dysfunctional family, money, gifts, oh shit is that an advent calendar on sale already, gifts, money, the thought of sitting in a room trying to keep a smile on your face when on the inside you would prefer to be at home cuddling your dogs, gifts, money, tinsel... Actually tinsel is probably the one Christmas based prop that i enjoy. Anyway you get the picture. I am literally suffering from this on a daily basis! At work recently I have had some absolutely gorgeous customers come in. They are keen to spoil their dogs (much like me), we talk about our dogs and are having a grand old time. SUDDENLY out of nowhere Christmas is in the conversation... I feel like The Grinch when he wakes up having to hear the Christmas cheer. END OF RANT. Over the course of a week two artists that I love have released new albums. These are Ceres and Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds. Right at this very second though as I type this I am listening to "Skeleton Tree" which is Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds new album. It came out today. I haven't felt the best today. My thoughts have been all over the place and I've felt tired and had a bit of a gut ache... Three of the shittest things all at once! Despite all this though I still decided to give this album a listen, even though I could already feel that this would be an extremely powerful, haunting and grief filled masterpiece. "Jesus Alone" is the first song on the album and the first of many tears to come. As any Nick Cave fan would know his son passed away from accidental death... I didn't want to assume that each song on this album would be completely about that. I feel that some of it probably is. I don't want to have that thought in my head though that it is all about his son (whether it is or not). Instead I have merged it to my own experiences of losing someone. If you put yourself in your own shoes (feels weird saying in your own shoes instead of someone elses) you can still walk long as if it were your very own story and album about dealing with grief. So now this album has become my very own story about death and losing someone. I can just feel the connection, the feeling that so many experience and can relate to. All of Nick Cave's lyrics and songs tell a story. I feel like he usually uses other characters to tell a story though in comparison to this album. This album honestly feels like HE IS THE CHARACTER. It is purely him. Not him hidden under the skin of another character. It is Nick in all his pain and glory. For me "I Need You" and "Distant Sky" speak to me the most. "I Need You" is the exact example of emotional suffering. I actually closed my eyes while listening to most of the songs on this album because they all took me into another world. The lyrics in this song that make my heart break are "Nothing really matters, when the one you love is gone". I mean.. FUCK. That line breaks you into a thousand delicate pieces that can't hold together, before floating off into darkness. The feeling of total loss is awful. You struggle to pick yourself up and care about anything. In this song he talks about how he is trying so hard to make something matter but it just doesn't anymore because he is in a pain that is unbearable. As a listener I can only imagine how this song made him feel, how hard it would have been to even sit down and write those things on a piece of paper. He is brave to have made such a personal thing public. I am glad that Nick has. It is a song that thousands and thousands of people will listen to and relate to. We will all experience the feeling that this song portrays at some point in our life, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. "In my heart I need you" is another incredibly strong and painful lyric to listen to. I, however think that this particular line is the most powerful one out of this entire song though... "I'll miss you when you're gone forever". Like I said, I don't want to assume that this song is about his son but to me this song speaks about death and the feelings that come along with coping with that. When I listened to "Distant Sky" I lay on the floor and closed my eyes. I imagined myself on a hilltop, watching the ocean come tumbling in. I was in the grass, the wind was blowing through my hair. I suddenly felt a chill... I turned around and there was a dark figure, just a shadow. Then I see my hand be held by someone. I am then floating away. I am flying next to some seagulls while I feel the sea mist on my face. The sun is going down and I am getting higher and higher. Flying in the clouds. I am not religious but I suddenly see a Church, with light shining through the coloured glass. The woman singing in this song is at this Church singing and saying "let us go now". So I go. I begin to see darkness. That is it. The song is over. I opened my eyes and could just feel the tears in my eyes. There are not many songs that I can close my eyes to and literally imagine and see a story unfold. This song did it to me though. I can fall deep into songs which I love and the experience of listening to this song was truly magical. I actually had a brief conversation today about the album cover. I find it interesting how you can look at something and feel something totally different to someone else. Even if it is just a black background with a title on it. Apparently Nick struggled to get his music to feel the way he felt about his son. After hearing this I see why a black background could fit in with the album. The darkness can be open to complete interpretation. A lot of people were assuming that the entire album would be about his son passing away (which hey I'm sure a lot of it is) however maybe the way he looked at it was he isn't sure what it is about... It is about his son, his grief, his emotions... So the black of this album cover (which could be confusion because of everything going on in his head) sums that up perfectly.
This album is full of so much raw emotion. I cried, I hugged my dogs because I love them, I felt relaxed, confused, taken to a world in my head, suffocated in darkness and pain all in 39 minutes. I feel like this album is something I will hold close to my heart forever maybe as a way to deal with similar experiences... I am not sure. I would recommend to listen to this album if you want to see, hear and feel Nick Cave on a much deeper level than anything else that he as ever released before. This album is truly haunting and beautiful. Try listening to it in the dark or with your eyes closed, let your mind run wild and fall into the dim, dark world that is Skeleton Tree. 10/10. |
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