This page shows all of my old blog posts that I couldn't bare to get rid of... I think it is important to look back on the growth of a person... And this is like my own personal archive of my late teens.
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When I was in High School getting called any name hit me like a tonne of bricks. I would cry about it, wag class because of it, distance myself from people and try to escape the real world by creating my own little world which for me was music.
The days where getting called "a fat emo" really don't seem that bad when you reach the "adult world" and get called every other bloody insult possible. Over a month ago I felt like life was too hard and like I wanted to hide away from everything. I wanted to sleep, stay at home and keep my distance. This is just my way of dealing with things. This month though I have somehow turned into someone who will not deal with anyone's "shit". The reason I call it shit here is because it literally is just a big load of shit that has no impact on my life anymore. I copped a heap of abuse from a bunch of people because of this article I wrote. It is about an insane breakthrough in my life and instead of people celebrating and supporting me there was an attempt by some to drag me down. This one person in particular who is ALWAYS without a doubt waiting for any chance to abuse me of course took total advantage of this article. As bad as it sounds though... I am used to this person trying to hurt me. They used to really get to me... Like REALLY get to me to the point where I wasn't sure if I was even in the right place in my life or surrounded by the right people. This person made me question my relationship, my job, my money... Every single aspect of my life no matter how microscopic was attacked by this one person. I used to cry about it and feel totally worthless but now I realise that I am better than that. My life is great! I can pay the bills, am studying, about to start working full time, start my apprenticeship, study some more, get a band up and running, save for a house and get a Career. I won't be working a job that I hate for the rest of my life but I will be working with something I enjoy... DOGS! I've grown to realise that no matter what there is always some toxic person out there lurking, just waiting for the moment to pounce on you. I have also realised that you do get to know people in a completely different way as you get older. You can see how ill informed, sexist, racist and downright awful a person can be. In the last month I have noticed this and have been able to see a completely different side to the people that I thought I knew quite well. I now see what they are truly like. I now see that I don't need that sort of toxicity in my life! When I was copping a lot from a heap of people I know the others around me that I were talking to expected me to be upset. They all assumed that I wouldn't be coping. For once though instead of curling up under a blanket in an attempt to avoid "my problems" I laughed. I was getting abuse hurled at me left right and centre yet all I could do was laugh. I half expected that it would all catch up to me and soon enough I would be watching Jane The Virgin whilst crying in bed (team Michael all the way for the record) but none of that happened. Even now I am still not feeling like it got to me. I have become comfortably numb to the abuse. I also got myself involved in a "Facebook war". There was a business which was totally sexist in more than one way that was not afraid to show it. I wouldn't let it slide and was sick of the fact that women sit there whilst getting treated like that! It is disgusting! I spoke up about it and received an insane amount of support from people that I knew but also people that I didn't know. People were expecting me to be hiding away at that as well... I mean what I did get called was insanely awful. I was told to "Shut up Sl**. Get on the tread mill ya fat f***". Then they ripped out this one "sexism. Lol. Shut up and clean the house ya fat c*** Sl**. Bet ya got a sticking hairy box too the fat whore maddie. Toe rag c***". This of course was NOTHING compared to the death threats, absolutely appalling photos I was getting sent and public naming and shaming. THIS was all because I was standing up for myself and the women around me who are too afraid to speak up against this kind of behaviour! It was absolutely disgusting and a complete eye opener. I shared this on my Facebook to prove a point that sexism is still alive and well. I then got victim blamed (by males of course). They were saying things like "you shouldn't have said anything. If you knew they were sexist why would you say anything when you would of course get this sort of abuse". Because a lady is wearing a short skirt is must mean she is asking for it right? Are you fucking kidding me MATE? So because I might get abused I should keep my mouth shut and let other women such as myself be abused? I don't think so. The point I am trying to make here is that there are some people out there who are really shit. They just are. They feel insecure about themselves so they have to make any attempt to make you fall below them so that they appear and feel stronger. Well guess what Ladies and Gents.. I am not going to give up fighting for what I believe in, what I care about or MYSELF. The awful things that people say to me mean nothing, especially if they are in fact a toxic person. I have more to worry about than a few people who can't wake up from their stupidity.
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Happy 2 Month Anniversary to me! This is roughly (roughly meaning it is nearly into the 3 month mark) how long I have had a diet free of meat. This may not be something that most people would be proud of but I am very proud of myself for completing the two month mark. When I was younger I did try and go vegetarian... I lasted a month. When I was in High School I didn't eat bacon for a year... I lasted that long. Then was turned off bacon! Now... Out of school, working and getting closer and closer to my 19th Birthday each day I have finally done it! In the beginning I thought that it would be hard. I thought it would cost a fortune. Turns out both of these things are not true at all! During the first month of not eating meat I did go through some withdrawals. Which seems stupid because it is FOOD, but there is seriously something about food and your body that makes you get/feel addicted! Both my partner and I suffered from these symptoms: Headaches... My gosh were there some intense headaches. We were tired... ALL THE TIME. I guess the fact that we started the whole transition just as Winter started made it a bit harder on the whole "tired" aspect of things, as we both already feel more tired in Winter as it it. The cravings... In the movies about pregnant ladies they are always talking about their cravings, wanting to eat and eat and eat that one thing they crave. No joke... I felt like I was one of those pregnant women on a TV show. Only thing was the things I was craving I couldn't eat because they contained the one thing I was getting out of my diet... MEAT. We were both also craving salty things like cheese, pickles, cheese... It is strange now looking back on it because most of the things that I was craving other than meat was actually dairy products. Coincidence? I think not. MOOD SWINGS... I hate mood swings, Ricky hates mood swings... Everyone hates them but boy oh boy did we get them. During this one month we actually seemed to be pissed off with each other, even for doing the smallest, annoying things. We pushed on through though and now feel better than ever! All of these symptoms disappeared after the first month. Once we began to eat a hell of a lot more nuts, lentils, legumes and other nutrient packed grains and vegetables we were feeling on top of the world. One of the things that I have enjoyed most (other than having a better gut and knowing that I am treading more lightly on the earth) is the amazing dishes! When I was eating meat I did love cooking and tried to make different dishes but most of the time our weeks began to have a routine. We would make the same things each week. Although now we do have that every now and again most of our weeks end up having at least one or two brand new, exciting and experimental vegetarian dishes! We mix it up more. This was last weeks meals. I actually tried 3 new recipes instead of 1: Sunday- Tuscan Tofu (I followed a recipe for Tuscan Chicken but then subbed the chicken for tofu instead). 10/10 meal by the way. Monday- Beetroot Burgers Tuesday- We had beetroot burgers again because I made way too many the night before and we don't want to waste food. Wednesday- Beer battered "fish" and chips. The "fish" in this case was actually eggplant marinated in a heap of delicious things that actually made it taste like fish! Thursday- this week is take away night because Ricky has Car Club to go to. It will be vegetarian pizzas. Friday- The ULTIMATE SUPREME roast ). A huge tray full to the brim with vegetables. Saturday- Is usually a lazy day where we may not even make dinner. It usually involves leftovers. Sometimes we may go and visit family and have dinner with them. Cooking vegetarian food has made my love for cooking even bigger than before. There are so many different things you can do! I know that with meat you can do a huge number of things as well... But if you were to ask a meat eater whether they would prefer a steak and chips compared to Beetroot burgers I am sure they would pick the steak because it is known to them and easy. It's so strange that eating differently sets up this weird barrier. It's like you can't be a human and vegetarian or there must be something wrong with you! You get spoken to differently because you are not eating a lump of flesh. How in the world does that even make sense?! It doesn't. In this small amount of time I have already had people concerned about my health "How are you going to get all the nutrients you need from vegetables", I've had people try and talk me out of eating vegetables, I've had people tell me that I am wasting money eating vegetables when I could be eating a steak and get everything I need (not true), I've had people try and justify that it is okay for them to eat meat because they know the animals are killed humanely, "We know where the animals are. They are growing up free range and then we kill them humanely". Clearly these people feel guilty about eating meat so they have to make themselves feel better somehow. It is a really weird conversation to have with people. I also just wanted to share this video. I have watched it 100 times already and still get teary about it. There were a lot of different things that inspired me to become vegetarian this is a video that I watched and it really made me think about my future and the life that I want to live. One day I want to be growing enough fruits and vegetables so that I can go out into my yard, pick the vegetables I need for dinner, cook it and eat it. UPDATE: Video is now not available on Youtube so here is the link: https://vimeo.com/151048885 Disclaimer: The intentions of this post are to share my thoughts with you. I am by no means trying to convert you to a vegetarian diet, make you feel bad or "attack" anyone. It has been 8 months (literally almost) since I have picked up an instrument... It's time for a little story... On January the 2nd my band played their last show. I can still remember the exact feeling that I was feeling that night, as we were on stage, playing to so many of the young people who supported us from the VERY beginning. It was a good night and a good send off but to be honest... I was fucking pissed off. There is literally no other way I could put it. I'm still pissed off about it. Basically this band was something that was started in year 7. For a few years before that I was madly in love with one of Australia's finest, The Living End. I loved everything about them and throughout most of my younger teenage years I wanted to grow up and be just like them. Playing shows and having fun, while singing about things that I believe in! So that's how it started really. It took a lot of work to get where we were last year. I put in hours of organising shows, merch, recordings, gigs and other things like posters and in general making contacts and connections with other bands from all over Australia and the world. It was a lot of hard fucking work. Blood, sweat, tears, my own money and frustration were put into that band. If we had a goal or a band we wanted to play with I would push to do it. When I think about (and lots of other fans have also mentioned it) if it wasn't for the hard work I put in trying to get shows we would have just been playing Foster Show each year (totally nothing wrong with that if it's your thing by the way). I was the one who made a goal of a particular band to play with because I was the most motivated to do it and push towards that goal. Before we knew it we were playing with 3 bands that were on the goal list. In fact our first BIG show was with The Smith Street Band, The Bennies and Luca Brasi. Three bands that were on the goal list all knocked out in one! After meeting those boys we were given so many crazy, rad opportunities, so many gigs because of them (and with them). We were playing with bands from America: Morning Glory, AJJ (Andrew Jackson Jihad at the time we played with them) Iron Chic, The Sidekicks and Max Stern (from Signals Midwest). We played with Gnarwolves from the UK. We played with some of the best bands coming out of Australia such as Clowns, Outright, Tired Lion, Wolfpack, The Getaway Plan, Fear Like Us, Georgia Mac ... The list goes on! Then came Festivals such as Moomba and Poison City Weekender Festival. Oh and not to mention the radio play on independent radio stations but also Triple J. AND INTERVIEWS ON TRIPLE J TOO! It was all happening and honestly if "things" had of stuck than we would have been playing with some sick bands this year and I know that for a fact. I am pissed off about that. I put in so much work and things were getting to this really good place before they totally collapsed before my very eyes... Why? I don't fucking know. It was all just a bunch of pathetic excuses. It really was. Since then my sister and I have been wanting to play again and do things but it isn't that easy to just get over something like this. It was honestly like a 6 year long relationship that was good at one point then totally fucked up the next. I am still 100% butthurt over it. I am still confused by it all... And I am still as angry as I was 8 months ago about it. However today I made progress. I picked up an instrument. After been in a total depressive state and hating everything to do with the thought of even playing music ever again, I picked up a guitar. You might be wondering why I did this and the reason is Ceres. Yeah, a band that I have recently been listening to somehow managed to influence me to pick up a guitar! I've seen so many awesome bands this year yet none of them made me actually pick up an instrument and play for the first time in 8 months. You would have thought that seeing Cosmic Psychos or Violent Soho, Or Jeff Rosenstock, Or The Living End would have done that but no. A band I have never seen live in my life made me play. When I saw The Smith Street Band, Luca Brasi, Joelistics and Jess Locke Band play a few months back this guy with a totally 100% dirty moustache (sorry if you read this Tom hahaha) got up and sang with Luca Brasi. I was blown away by his voice. Since then I have seen the boys from Luca Brasi post things about this band Ceres. So I decided to check them out. Something obviously popped inside of me because I just want to listen to them, see them live and hug them all for making me feel the way that I am feeling now. They have saved my music life. They really have and if I could right now I would tell them that and probably ask them if I can play with them. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that a band and playing music is a possibility again. I know it probably seems weird that ONE band has made me do this but they have. This is the start of a new beginning. The start of new music. The start of something bigger, better and stronger than ever before! To all the beautiful Rockenspiele fans, I love you and keep your eyes peeled because this lady is ready to give it another crack! Ceres. You have saved my life and I feel like I love you a lot for that. Also I am really stoked about these guys releasing a new album. Here is a song off that album which will be released on the 2nd of September. Also here is another youtube video which was I guess is Rockenspiele's Career in a nutshell. If you are interested check it out. |
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