I am sure that I am not alone in this weird feeling of grief going on right now. The world is changing and the constant "new normal" and "things won't be the same again" is nothing short of terrifying to hear. I think that the fact I am pregnant during this weird time is just making me think "what the actual fuck, how can I be bringing a beautiful, innocent human into this world". And it's scary. So, so, so scary. I have roughly 12 weeks to go give or take. 12 weeks to prepare, 12 weeks to gear up for birth, 12 weeks til I become a Mum of two... And what am I doing that time? The total opposite of what I imagined I would be. I had these visions of meeting other like minded Mums this year, creating more of a Community, finishing my Sacred Pregnancy course so that I could hold circles for other Mumma's to be, where we could hold each other, talk and fall into the flow that this journey of pregnancy is, getting out more to fun places like the park and the Library with my little one, having play dates and truly working on getting out of my comfort zone to make friends. We also had the intention of having another little 'Baby Celebration' to celebrate that we created life and a Blessingway which I truly believe is so important for mothers.... So yes, I am absolutely gutted at what's going on. We moved to a new town at the beginning of February this year... There were a number of reasons why but I felt an absolute breathe of relief when I realised that I could get out, socialise more and not be so isolated. I had spent so many months with just a toddler, my friends were all working, weekends a majority were partying (or working), my partner was working late, getting home later due to the drive to and from work, my family lived a min. of half an hour away (which does add up) and it really started impacting me closer to the end, closer to the day we moved I knew this is what I needed in order to thrive. We settled in, my family was just up the road, I could go out to places, explore, not be stuck in the car for longer distances... Oh my was it great. Fast forward to now... And I am more isolated than ever. Today I went to a local shop as I needed a few things. I hadn't been there in at least two weeks so was totally unaware of new rules that were put in place. It was so strange walking in there... It was the same store but the energy was totally different. It wasn't a place that I felt comfortable in. I felt like I had to rush around and get out as soon as possible. Usually you unload your bags/trolleys/baskets and then they either fill your bags/box. So I of course walked up to the register as I normally would and started unpacking my bag. Then the person serving me at the check out says as loudly as possible "NOOOOPE. Stop unpacking your bags and stand behind the line". While they had their hand up and were gesturing for me to move away. Everyone in the store turned around and was looking at me... Now I am sensitive at the moment, I'm carrying a baby for crying out loud! So I almost burst into tears in what used to be one of my favourite stores because everyone was always so nice and welcoming. I held it in til the car and I just cried. I cried because I didn't get to talk to any of the ladies I usually have conversations with. I cried because I was made to feel like a ball of disease. I cried because this is what life is going to be like from now on, for the indefinite future at this point. I feel like the world around me has just died a bit.
I've always picked up on energy around me. For years I've said that I feel like I can stand on the Earth and feel everyone's worries. It become really strong when I was pregnant with my first and now it seems to be happening again. I can just feel everything. Some good, some bad, but the energy is just not the same. It is so sad watching this world, that's meant to be such a beautiful place be overthrown a few people who get to make these life-changing choices for us. There's isolating because you genuinely NEED to, then there is this... Insane amount of rules, regulations, new laws and fines coming into play. The curve is flattening dramatically, so why more of a push for isolation? Why are we constantly getting told these rules will be in place for 6-12 months? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON. I know this post is a bit of a downer but some days you just can't help but let out those deep, dark emotions you may be feeling and today is one of them. May tomorrow be a different day, filled with a different energy. I love and miss each and every one of you and truly hope that we can have a huge hug soon. Cuddle therapy anyone?! For something a little more positive feel free to read the previous blog post HERE. xx
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