~ Three weeks of post partum bellies~
Just like that my body is slowly returning back to what it was... This time a bit more stretched, worn out and bouncy. The first time I was fucking mortified. I loved what my body had done but I think due to the birth I’d had I just couldn’t love my body as I felt it had let me down. So every stretch mark, scar and flabby bit was a reminder of... How shit my body was. It’s painful to even describe my body like that but at the time that was my mentality. A failure. Disgusting. Then you throw in some birth trauma and PTSD and the idea of intimacy and touch becomes a recipe for a flashback. I look at these photos, and the difference between 3 photos each a week a part and I’m amazed. The first one was the shower I had only 9 hours after Otis came Earthside, the second a week later, and the third a few days ago. I still have what they call a c-section shelf, old stretch marks and new but look at it?! Look at this body and what it has done. Housing two babies, birthing them and nourishing them. All while nourishing my own needs as well! What an incredible thing. I want to love this body with each and every inch of my being for what it has done and what it is capable of doing. Can I do that? Some days I would probably say no. But I’m working on loving it each and every day. Stroking each stretch mark, breathing in each breath, touching my face and admiring my hands... Each little step is a step towards falling in love with my body for what it is EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not just some days. You are a legend body and sometimes I wish I could just kiss you all over because you deserve it.
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A roller coaster of emotions thrashing you around to the point where you don’t know what to truly feel. You’re so happy, yet you are also the saddest you’ve been in your life when reality kicks in. Your family rhythm that you spent years perfecting is suddenly non-existent and between having your boobs out, changing nappies and trying to rest all you want is to snuggle your toddler who doesn’t understand why you’re so tired and can’t get down into the floor to play properly.
You long for your Yoni to be healed so that you can perhaps grasp a sense of ‘normal’ in yourself again with a moment with your partner. You miss the kicks in your belly, cry when you get in the shower as you birthed your baby in there and have never felt so powerful and alive... Yet that power seemed to slip away with the sleepless nights while you snuggle your newborn who has a tummy ache again, or the hours you spend trying to burp your baby and talk words of encouragement “I know you can get this poo out little guy”. You want to and know you should rest during the day but also want to soak in these moments as it’s the only time off your partner ever has, you know you should sleep but you want to hold your toddler so that they know they’re still there, you lay in bed slowly fall asleep only to be woken up with a little human needing more boob. You love everything in your life but are grieving what you were so used to... the snuggles you get with your baby are so precious, the sounds that they make as they latch onto your breast are so special, you’ve never seen your toddler so happy and in love with having her Dad home, visitors bring treats and food for you and this is the first time you’ve been able to have your feet up since you were pregnant the first time 💕 it’s pure bliss. This won’t last forever I know. And in a month I’ll be missing this bubble of quirky, tired, perfection but my oh my do you forget how hard it is coming off the pregnancy hormones and trying to readjust to a new rhythm. “This is the roller coaster of post partum theme park, keep your boobs out for baby and legs closed together at all times for optimal healing”! 😆 Isn't it funny how two experiences of the same thing can be so incredibly different? The memory of my last birth is already slowly slipping away and if anything it is making me sad that I cannot relive it again and again. Whereas the first time I did not even want to think about it, it was too painful to process and deal with.
The birth experience that I had last week was hands down the most incredible experience of my whole life. I still cannot believe I did it, that I pushed through and that laying next to me as I type this is my beautiful baby boy that was delivered in the comfort of our own home, into his Dad's arms. The day that I went into labour was such a beautiful one with my toddler. We had so much fun and had spent the afternoon exploring in the forest, building cubby houses with my sister and brother. I kept joking and saying "I wonder if this walk will put me into labour" and "I wonder if building this super, sick cubby will induce me". By the time we had got back to the car something felt different. Sure enough when we got home I started to get waves. I had of course been getting them for weeks and had been slowly losing my mucus plug but that afternoon there was another chunk and I could just feel in my body that it was time... Our little baby was ready to begin their journey Earthside. When my partner got home I was SOOOOOO excited. It was FINALLY happening! The last birth experiences was sort of robbed from me and this time I was going to do it, all on my own. I'd made a HUGE batch of pasta, finished some loaves of sourdough and just knew. I kept thinking to myself that perhaps this little baby was hanging in there until I had cleaned the lounge (birth space), dusted my birth altar and made my sourdough loaves.... All things I had completed earlier that day. Or maybe the baby just needed me to be 100% calm and getting out into nature with my toddler created that... Perhaps he heard how much fun we were having and wanted to be part of it too. We carried on with our usual routine... Dinner, bath time for Edith, then we started getting her ready for bed. I tried doing some yoga cards with Edith before bed and it just felt so gooooood to stretch my body, warm it up a bit. While I read her a bedtime story I could feel my body changing, my stomach dropping and more and more waves. It would have been about 8.00pm when I got in a bath. I was having waves over and over, watching my baby kick and my uterus contract... It was pretty wild. I spent an hour in there before getting into bed. |
A Mum on a mission to raise an Earth Warrior.
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