Part of me looks at the title and goes "lol what friends" but then the other part of me is like "no, you're been silly Maddie". It is rather true though, as a young Mum I find it so hard to find friends, throw in some good old anxiety and my weird and wacky personality, and we have the recipe for someone totally isolating themselves.
I'll admit I make excuses, I make excuses every single day. It's probably more so my anxiety and the fact that I do really struggle in social situations but I also feel like it has to do with the fact that I have been so let down in the past. This post is going to get real really quick. As soon as I had Edith I lost my friends. That's the harsh fucking reality of this thing called 'becoming a Mum'. I went from having friends checking in on me, wondering how I'm going, wanting to spend time with me, go baby clothes shopping to suddenly be hobbling around after surgery, with no friends checking in, no friends visiting and basically just hoping and waiting for some form of contact, all while also adapting to my new life-style as an unfashionable, breast milk stained Mum. I hate saying those things above and I hate reading over it but I just need to get this off my chest.
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Just like that we are on week tree. I am not going to lie, it has been a real struggle this week. I have inundated myself with studying, running after a Toddler and I also have a huge opportunity with my business (check out the my shop link to see what I get up to). So I have been just flat out and my life has been go-go-go. I have also been experiencing some sleep regression with my toddler. So the time I usually get to practice some self-care has been quite compromised recently. None the less I gave it my absolute best shot. If you wanted to see what I got up to the last two weeks click here and here. If you have no idea what I am talking about click here to have a read.
Day 15: Happiness was today's word. I did this meditation here which is one of my all time favourites. It is straight to the point and so different from any others that I have ever done. If you don't like swearing I wouldn't do it but for those of you that don't mind, behold the most perfect meditation. Day 16: The word today is "favourite". There are two things I love doing at this time of year... Baking and hot cross buns. They are one of my absolute favourite foods so I made some delicious buns, lathered them with delicious Vegan butter and sat on the couch eating far too many than I would like to admit while my little one was asleep. Day 17: Fire. Today I finished my complaint letters to the hospital that I birthed at in 2017. Since then I have had on-going issues with birth trauma and PTSD and am finally seeing progress. The fire was alive within me today while I finished those last few sentences, put them in and envelope and went to the post office to send them off. The fire inside me burst after that and I felt so strong. After so long feeling powerless, I was the one in control. Honestly I feel like everytime I try to challenge myself my Toddler decides to challenge me too. So doing a whole month of attempting 5 minutes at the very least of self care each day is actually really difficult. If you have no idea what I am talking about read my blog posts here and here about what the self-care April challenge is.
Much like I did last week I thought I would share this weeks prompts with a little explaination of what I did in order to give myself the self-care that I bloody deserve. Day 8: So today's word is "Challenge". I feel like every day is a challenge at the moment with my beautiful little Toddler but of course that isn't exactly the self-care side of things. When I thought of these words it was more just the first word that came into my head at that time and would it work for self-care... So in all honesty I had to think about this one! Instead of climbing up Mt Nichol like planned (as I said... Toddler) I decided to do some Salute to the Sun Yoga flows. I LOVEEEEE this Yoga flow and due to some c-section related issues (yep, 15 months on) I always find this flow challenging but also uplifting and my body thanks me afterwards. Here is my favourite Sun Salutations video if you wanted to check it out or get your body moving! Day 9: Day nine is "Ground". I wrote a blog post all about this word and "grounding" or Earthing as some people call it so head over here to read it. I love grounding myself and honestly find it to be one of the easiest ways to give myself the love that I need. It's so simple, so easy and does not cost a thing. Getting out in nature, feeling the Earth connect with your body and enjoying the sun on your face is just a beautiful thing. I decided that I would almost have diary inputs for this month with my self-care April Challenge. If you haven't read a little about it then head HERE so that you can see what I am talking about.
Anyway, we have just finished the first week! How are you all going? Are you taking a small snippet out of your hectic days to just sit and be? Below is what I have done this last week with the word prompts. In relation to the Strike For Climate Change I have seen a lot of different posts... Some are supportive but then there are some extremely negative and plain stupid posts as well.
People claiming that children are missing out on learning, they're getting "brainwashed" into believing that Climate Change is real, "these kids don't even know the meaning of the word 'strike'", and then this beauty "parents pushing their agendas is borderline child abuse". Now, just sit and ponder those sentences for a minute. Yeah, it sounds totally insane doesn't it. Especially given that it goes a little bit deeper than just a strike". The reason that this strike is so, so, so important is that it is giving our children the opportunity to speak up, to have their voices heard. Children are so much smarter than we make them out to be and unfortunately they don't have a say in so many issues which are going to have drastic impacts on THEIR futures. Our kids aren't allowed to vote, they're not allowed to stand up in parliament and tell the politicians what they want, so a strike is such a great way for them to feel like they're doing something to help their own existence on this planet. Over the last month I took part in one of my favourite challenges... Nature Play Challenge! It is run by 3 beautiful small businesses that are all about getting your kids (and yourself) out in Nature. Each day there is a different word and that word can be used in whatever way your mind chooses to do so. For example one of the words last month was "Orange". As it was a hot day we decided to get some water play happening and to bring in the word "orange" we cut up some oranges and added them to the water. It is always so fun incorporating different words in to our nature play while also giving us the opportunity to improvise and imagine. You can find out more about the Nature Play Challenge here. Anyway, I was inspired by what these ladies do and thought about something that as a parent, mother, human on this Earth tends to lack on a day to day basis... And that is some time to practice self-care. I do try... But life always gets in the way. This is why I decided to start a #selfcareapril challenge. Each day is a different word prompt which can be used however you please. There is no right or wrong way to do this as we are all individual and will all interpret different things just be looking at the different words given each day. You don't have to turn this into an activity, it could be something you write down, something you feel, a yoga practice, a meditation... The words are your oyster and they are yours to choose. I'd love to see some of the wonderful self-care adventures that you get up to so don't forget to tag me using the hashtag #selfcareapril. Let's see what magnificent acts of self-care that we share. As always, stay adventurous. Maddie xx
You could say the title of this blog post is harsh... I suppose really thinking about it, it could be. In this instance though it is purely because it fits in with motherhood. Identity vs motherhood? Where's the connection? Well I've lost mine.
You spend days, months, years growing up and creating this character... You. I feel like you really start to experiment with your identity in the later years of Primary School. I remember this was the time for me that I fell in love with The Living End and decided I wanted to be like Chris Cheney... Just I was shit at guitar so there was a huge difference there. I would listen to them on repeat, stare at the album cover all day... That's when I started realising "oh he has a cool jacket, I want one of those... Oh he has badges on his jacket... I'll need those... Oh black nail polish *rushes to the bathroom". That was my life. That was when I feel like I first started to decide on my character. As I grew up I started to actually have my own identity rather than steal it from a rock star. I started to realise that I wanted my hair certain ways or heavy eye make up... I could be that kid with headphones in listening to Radiohead on my own if I wanted to, or I could be that girl in a band, loud and full of attitude. Every day you are doing something that is forming your identity and what you think of yourself or what other people see. This could be something as small as a motivational quote shared online, or remembering to take your keep cup with you to buy your morning chai latte. Everyone who sees that will get some sort of a sense of who you are... But is it really you? Since becoming a mother I have realised that this "person" that people see when they look at me is not actually who I truly am inside. I am now a mum, a "wifey", a partner. Yes, I am a Mum but guess what... I am a human too, one with thoughts, feelings and other interests that are not just to do with trying to keep up with a toddler all day. Don't get me wrong, I WOULD NOT change it for the world. I love my little family and my beautiful child who is growing up to be such an amazing little human... In fact motherhood is the best trip I've ever gone on HOWEVER... Just because I am a Mum, it does not mean that I don't have an identity, that I don't have my own "self". The amount of conversations I have now that just have to do with motherhood are astounding. It's like once you pop a human out that's all that you are, a human pop-out-ter-rer. "How is she sleeping", "Are you still feeding", "Wow she's crawling. Do you think she will be walking soon" or "cloth nappies are still going well then" are about 90% of my conversations with people now. The other 10% is probably conversations with my partner, or about what to cook for dinner, or conversations where I am just listening to other people talk about their lives. There is never the question of "So... What else have you actually got up to recently". I don't get asked what I want to be when I grow up, what plants I am growing, what sort of food I have been making, if I continued looking into studying, what I want to study, if life is good or what I want to do before I die one day... Because from societies point of view I am just a Mum. This weird thing around losing your identity when you become a Mum needs to be talked about. I probably don't have other ambitions than to get my kid potty trained right? WRONG. If you see a Mumma, stop, ask her how SHE is going, ask her what she does when she has a spare moment, ask her if she has tried anything new recently because she is still that person she used to be... Now just a 2.0 version because she popped a human out. Since bringing my daughter into the world I have changed. I have changed in many ways but they're definitely for the better. Something I have become much more aware of is the world around me... And what is going on in it.
I will now stand on the Earth in bare feet, baby wearing while soaking up some sunshine, I will sit at the window and watch the rain tumble down, or I will snuggle up with my little girl in my arms while we listen to the Autumn wind howl outside. This is how it should be! THIS IS HOW I WANT IT TO BE. I've found that although I am spending less time on social media than before that I don't actually need it like I felt like I did this time last year. This urge to get offline and out into nature or to even be more present with those around me is so strong... And I don't feel like I can deal with it much longer. I need to escape, I need to leave the system, I need to leave the bullshit and focus on what matters. I don't want to be scrolling through my newsfeed 10 years from now seeing my Facebook memories, seeing photos of my baby, seeing her smiles, seeing her milestones... I want to be living those memories for what they are, in the present. I don't need those memories in cyberspace and I sure as hell don't need the whole world to know about them either. I've tossed up staying. I've tried to talk myself into staying. I've had others tell me I should stay... But my gut says otherwise. Now due to the fact that I am a creative little being I need some way to share those things with you. Here are the places you can find me: 1. My Facebook page (I have set it up so I am an admin without actually needing a personal Facebook... Neat right?). 2. Instagram 3. RIGHT HERE. Subscribe to my mailing list and you will get videos and blogs sent straight to your inbox. So please, if you are interested subscribe to my mailing list so that you can see all the weird and wonderful things that I am getting up to. Yesterday I spent hours making Hummus, cutting up cucumber and carrot sticks, and making energy balls. Why you may ask? Because I got in the headset where I felt like I had to. The reason I got into this headset was because while I was cleaning up the bathroom, in the corner of my eye I saw the scales... Or a I like to call them a pregnant woman's worst enemy. I pulled out the scales and stood on them before getting off totally shocked because I've definitely put on weight since the last time I got on them. I feel normal... And I exercise... I eat well... Yet I am still putting on the weight and everywhere I look I am told that is a bad thing.
Pregnancy is meant to be a magical experience, after all you are carrying a human inside you that you made with someone you love. So why in the world did I spend hours making diet foods that deep down I knew would not fill me up anyway. The reason that I did this was because the Doctor told me the amount of weight a lady should put on while pregnant. They told me basically that unless I am what their textbook says I should be that I will need to go to a dietitian. I even had one Doctor tell me that "the fat cow never has a good birth"... As someone who is already nervous about birth hearing that just made me more scared. Now that I have seen that number on the scales I can't help but think back to that moment. Am I now the fat cow that the Doctor referred to? Is my birth going to be traumatic? What the fuck am I doing?! For those brief hours after getting off the scales I moped around... Feeling my baby kick inside trying to tell me that everything is okay. I rang my partner to tell them about how I am now that "fatty" that everyone jokes about (seriously... Don't call a pregnant woman a fatty, even as a joke because it hurts.). I realised that I was not okay with this number on the scales and that I needed to do something about it! I planned to go for more walks, maybe try a few workouts, do more Yoga... Heck I'll do anything! I made "diet foods" so that there was always something handy for me to grab when I needed a snack, I filled up my water bottle and forced myself to scull it down (yes, I felt sick afterwards) and I sat there looking at my meals for the week trying to work out which ones would not make me "fat". My mindset about 99% of the time when I am looking at a delicious packet of banana flavoured lollies packed to the brim with sugar, preservatives and whatever other weird and wacky additives they choose to add... I think to myself "would I feed that to my baby". The answer of course is "NO". So I don't eat it. I avoid it. Yes, I may have a treat every now and again but why in the world would I not have a treat? I bloody deserve it. I spend all day growing a human for crying out loud which is harder than people think it is. Anyway, while looking over my meals for the week I realised that they consisted of vegetables, grains, fruits... Wholefoods, Superfoods, sugar free foods, dairy free foods, meat free... Wait a minute... If I were to "diet" Or as the Health Professionals would say "eat healthier" I would be left with no other option than to eat dirt! How could I get any healthier than I already am?! Would I have to survive on rice, blanched brocolli and poached chicken for the rest of my pregnancy so that I fit in with the textbook standards? Well... Dear Doctor, I am refusing to take part in something that I can't help. Why should I be spending my pregnancy, the most important time in a woman's life worrying about becoming a "fat cow". Why should I be made to feel like I am going to have a traumatic birth, that I don't deserve a treat, that I don't deserve juicy, juicy carbs? Why should I be made to feel like I need to diet and go to crazy lengths to exercise just to meet your stupid book that says "You should only put on this much weight"? I am asking you to look away from your book... Realise that all women are different, with all different and magnificent bodies, all of which will react differently when there is a human growing inside them. Don't tell that woman that she is going to be the "fat cow" and that her birth with be traumatic... Tell her she is a fucking queen (yes I am a Constance Hall fan). That she is doing perfectly and that she is beautiful... Make sure you tell her she is beautiful for crying out loud. It's already hard enough when your favourite dresses don't fit you anymore and you feel like you look like a Duff Beer Blimp floating across the sky. I destroyed my scales yesterday. Well... As much as someone trying to be zero waste can... So I just added them to the pile to take to the Op Shop... My main point here is that they are gone. I don't need to stand on them when I know I am doing all the right things for both myself and the beautiful, little, thriving baby inside me. I think you should destroy your scales too. You're gorgeous and wonderful... And don't need some stupid numbers to define your beauty or place in society. Everyone's bodies are different and instead of looking at that as a bad thing we need to embrace that! Fuck what everyone else thinks. I'll be that jiggly lady, working her hardest to feel good in her own skin once she pushes a watermelon out of a five cent sized hole and carries 9 month worth of stretch marks around... So become part of that journey too. So we can show the beauty industry who is boss... And so we can tell the diet companies to shove their plans up their money lined assholes. You're welcome. Now go and have a good day and kiss your stretch marks. xxx I feel like this is a thing and a thing I need to get off my chest... Or out of my stomach I should say.
#morningsicknessblues and #iamthespewqueen do not quite cut how I am feeling right now as I sit on the couch sucking on some Powerade ice blocks (my last resort for this evening)... #imnotcoping fits the equation a lot better. There are a million articles out there with people's experiences of morning sickness filled with their miracle cures. However what about when you are that person who is stuck where the only option is to have what feels like the most expensive medication on the planet and either be chained to the bed or toilet? Well my friends... That person is me. I've ALWAYS hated spewing, I'm sure a lot of other people feel this way too. It's a disgusting feeling, especially when it could happen at any moment... You could be halfway through your food shopping and desperately try to run out of the store, you could be at a family dinner when you suddenly have to run to the toilet while the rest of your family hears you having a grand old time with the toilet, heck! You could be that person trying to clean up your dogs vomit, when you begin projectile vomiting everywhere at the sight and smell of both the dogs and your own vomit. What a beautiful experience for your Furbabies to witness! Last night was what I would call an eventful night... I felt a build up in my tummy and tried so hard to just breath through it and relax but it of course ended up like every other night... Spending some quality, one on one time with the toilet. It just got too much for me and I broke down in tears. So between each spew I was crying. Honestly if spew and tears could make a baby triplets were made in that toilet bowl last night. My hormones make me have the feeling where I can't stop crying once I start, so I was crying for what felt like forever for me. It probably wasn't but it sure as hell felt like it. I walked out of the bathroom and looked around at the pile of dishes, the mess on the un-swept floor, the pile of washing begging to be folded and put away before running back for another "event". I was possibly the most beautiful person in South Gippsland last night (yes, this is a total joke). Today I had the pill that I had been saving for the last few days as I had an appointment in the next town and I didn't want to risk throwing up on their floor (I so wanted to because I hate these appointments, but that's off the record). It was the first time in 3 days that I felt okay, I felt like I could do things again... It was the first time I could clean the well past it's due date house. I ended up sweeping, wiping down benches, cleaning dishes, folding washing, I even lit the fire. I felt good and more importantly I felt like a normal, functioning human being! Just thinking about it now makes me feel magnificent, although that may also be because I was with my head in the toilet before and you always feel better after a giant spew. Tomorrow I am going back to the doctors... To get a script for the only thing that is allowing me to keep food down. I'll be that lady, doing breathing exercises under her breath while she sits in the waiting room trying to put off anything happening. Now I just wanted to say here that I am NOT depressed or anything. Some people reading this will probably think that but the truth is I am definitely not. I have not felt so great mental wise in so long... I feel like I have found my calling and am in the zone I want to be in... Well almost... I could totally deal with not having 24 hour morning sickness. I feel in love with the beautiful little human that is growing more and more each day. I even have a little bump forming! It's all exciting and beautiful and I feel good apart from this. I just felt like this is something that I have really struggled with recently and I wanted all the other Mums to be out there know that they are not alone and that there are more of you, spending time with the toilet and noticing the bits you've missed while cleaning it. No one should get that close to a toilet really but if you are one of the unfortunate ones much like me, I feel you and hope that it goes away soon so that you NEVER have to spend time with your head in the toilet again. xxx |
A Mum on a mission to raise an Earth Warrior.
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