This page shows all of my old blog posts that I couldn't bare to get rid of... I think it is important to look back on the growth of a person... And this is like my own personal archive of my late teens.
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Things have been super quite here on the blog haven't they? There are a number of different reasons why that is. One of the main reasons is that I have started a youtube channel! This is something that I have wanted to do for a while and I finally got around to starting one up. The channel is small, as is my following but it is growing and I have so many great ideas for the future.
Vlogging and also the editing side of those vlogs takes quite a lot of time, especially if you want it to be done well. I am not very good at editing yet so mine are done what most would call "shitly" but to me it is the most well they get! One things I have really grown to love about having a youtube channel is the people that connect to you. I have connected to so many different people, from so many different places all over the world. We all have one thing in common which is to send our creativity into the world. If you did want to check out my vlog feel free to do so! Another reason that there hasn't been as much "action" on the blog is because I was busy working and studying all at once. This however is changing dramatically. If you do follow my Youtube channel you may have seen this video. Basically I got dismissed from my job. The job that I held onto for over 8 months eagerly awaiting the beginning of my apprenticeship. The job where despite the fact that I was getting bullied I still loved. The job that had literally just finalised my study so I was all set to begin. The job that screwed me over big time and has left me in more of a rough place than ever before. At the start of the week when it all happened I felt fine. I was positive and felt like everything would work out anyway, this is just a minor set back. Now though as I sit on my bed, while the sun is shining outside, hiding from anything I realise that I am not feeling as strong as I hoped. It was only a few days ago that I was saying how I am fine and an do anything... Oh how things change! I managed to pick up work. It has not turned out to be how I imagined. It sucks. I am stuck now deciding between whether to say that "this isn't for me" or to hold on so that I am not the pathetic person that has quit a job when they need it. I always feel judged when it comes to finding or leaving jobs. No matter what I do someone has something negative to say. The thing is though the person saying that has no idea what exactly it is like for me. They don't know how it is making me feel or how I came home last night and broke down in tears after cleaning out fryers and grills. They don't know any of that or how it makes me feel having to force myself to be okay and hang onto something that I cannot cope with. I haven't even made a decision yet and I am already feeling like I am letting everybody down, although in reality it is me who has been let down and that is why I am in this situation to begin with. I am not as strong as I want to be right now.
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Body Imagine is one of those extremely difficult things to talk about. You can either love your body and be called arrogant or you can hate it and get called an attention seeker! It's the painful truth that so many people face on a day to day basis. I used to get bullied quite bad when I was in High School. I definitely feel like I can blame the negative way that I perceive myself on those very hard years that I dealt with.
I have a love-hate relationship with my body at the moment. It is unfortunate that this "hate" word is still in my head when I think about my body. I don't want it to be there but it is so damn hard for it not to be. Some mornings I will wake up and look in the mirror and think "You know what... I deserve to feel good today. Look at my body. Look at it go! Let's put on some sexy undies and feel like it". However.... The next day I might wake up take one look in the mirror and think to myself "you know what... You do not look good. You have a muffin top, your boobs are saggy... Is that a fucking pimple on your face?! Wow look at your cellulite. YOU ARE DISGUSTING". Why is it that so many of us cannot feel comfortable or happy with our own bodies? Last weekend I was getting ready to go to a Party. I was feeling confident with my skin and I couldn't help but think "girl... You are totally rocking that lipstick and hairdo today". I was feeling great. That was until I opened my wardrobe and sighed because I didn't know what to wear. I was trying on dresses, skirts, jeans, shorts... But all I could see was these beautiful clothes, on a painfully disgusting body. I then broke down because although I thought I looked good for a few minutes that suddenly disappeared. I was in tears because of how none of my clothes suited me (or so I thought). Now why in the world would I suddenly be feeling like this? After trying a new hairdo and make-up and LOVING it..... To then turn around and hate it? The truth is... That day I was on Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook and all those images I saw kicked in. I spent a few hours looking at positive quotes to motivate me, then that linked into diets somehow, which linked into fitness, fashion and make-up, fat girl hacks (yes this is actually a thing),"how to make your face look skinny", "weight loss secrets", "how to get rid of your cellulite", booty workouts, leg workouts, "get rid of that muffin top", "how to be more attractive to your boyfriend", "is your partner sick and tired of the same old body? Change yours now", "get the look here"... Before long I was caught in this world of negative images with products and diets all aimed at my body. As soon as I was feeling a bit negative all of these images came pounding into my head and I realised... I am not good enough. This of course is not true but at that very moment I felt that way. I hate to admit it but sometimes I will go on a social media platform such as Instagram and will be looking at great things such as art, music and cute puppies.... As soon as I see a post though that has to do with weight loss (skinny me tea comes up a lot) I end up going on some stalkerish bloody rave. All I want to do is look at bodies and people and wish that was me. WHAT THE FUCK. It makes me sick thinking about it and why my mind would even begin to do that at all. I don't mean to do it. It just happens and I get sucked into comparing my body to all of these super models that I see plastered all over social media. This is a huge issue in people of different genders and ages! All of these places in the cyber-world where you go on to "have fun" or "socialise" can suddenly be turned into a dark place where you see things that force you to not feel good enough. Sometimes I sit there are think about my body... What it stands for and what it means. That was my project for the week. My body is perfect the way it is but IF I WANT I can change it.. Only if I want though, NOT because a picture on the internet has made me feel like I need to, NOT because someone told me I should, NOT because another family member is improving theirs, NOT because I NEED to... Because I WANT TO. I believe that our bodies are perfect just the way they are but if you want to improve it in your own way you can. I want to become fit... Not to lose weight, but so that I can run when the Zombie Apocalypse starts. I want to eat healthy so that my gut will thrive and love me for it. I want to learn to love my body for what it is and not what society makes me think it should be. Another thing I would like to add is that I have started a Youtube channel!!! If you wanted to check that out then here is my FIRST VIDEO. : I am going to have a giveaway soon which will be part of the beginning of my Youtube channel and also as part of a way that we can all blossom and love our bodies together! Much love to all of you beautiful humans! xox Ps: Feel free to share, subscribe and like! I have been suffering from writers block which is why you haven't seen a post from me in a little while. I have so many ideas all on the go, so many posts on the go that I just got stuck and didn't know what to write about exactly! This post is only a small one but is about something that is honestly driving me insane at the moment. Christmas. Need I say anymore? This word is a word that for some reason makes me cringe. Yes, I love over-eating and having a food coma the next day. I like to see people I may not see too much... I just hate that these particular things have to happen because of this one day which in the end has no relevance to me as a person anyway. My family is not religious at all so we don't have that connection with Christmas like some people do. Instead we do it to "fit in" I suppose and because we are in a society where we are pumped with constant advertisements it is hard to avoid it, especially when you have little ones in the family. I personally don't like the whole Christmas thing. It is only September and I have already started getting anxious about Christmas. In fact as soon as I started seeing those photos flying around the cyberworld saying "18 Fridays til Christmas" I started to feel anxious. Why? Why do I feel anxious about something like this? In all honesty I don't really know exactly why. I guess that is the beauty of anxiety... It just happens. Unfortunately these days it seems like people are a lot more ungrateful for receiving gifts from people, unless of course it is the latest iPhone or that game that cost $110. It is a game where you feel like you have to out do the other person. If I spend $10 on something for someone and they spend $50... I look like a tight ass and look like I don't care about that particular person. It is sad that there is so much judgement surrounding gifts and money when we are supposedly meant to be celebrating. I am doing something different this year.. I am planning on making presents. The main reasons I am doing this are because: 1. It is cheaper. Oh soooooo much cheaper. 2. Safety of my own home. I get stressed out shopping... Probably because in general I HATE shopping. I like the idea of ordering supplies, having them come to my door and then that is that. All done. 3. It is from the heart. When you make something it is full of love, effort and thought. I am not saying that buying a present ins't full of thought... But it definitely isn't in the same category that something handmade is in. 4. I AM NOT SUPPORTING THE BIG, OLD, GREEDY AND UNETHICAL COMPANIES PROFITING OFF MASS CONSUMERISM. Christmas is another one of those days that literally is based around mass consumerism. Everyone feels the need to have to buy something for someone in case that person gets them something. It is a chain of never ending consumerism. I am not saying that giving people presents is a bad thing. I just don't see the point in putting so must stress on yourself to make sure that you have enough presents for everyone on that one day. Christmas becomes so damn stressful that the enjoyment is below what it should be. Why is it that on Christmas you get more presents than on your actual Birthday? To me this makes no sense what so ever. I love Birthdays and the thought of celebrating the day that someone was born. I love the feasts that occur, the cake and the happy, smiling, blowing-out-candle photos. This after all is a VERY significant day for not only the person having the Birthday but the family that surrounds them too. On your Birthday it is a day that you can celebrate the fact that you were born into this world and are still alive, you've made it! It is a day where your parents can look at you, your achievements and share stories of your arrival all those years ago with smiles on their faces because they NEVER have to go through that again (haha). On your Birthday you can spend time with the ones that you love and celebrate something relevant to you! The word "Christmas" is a compound word originating in the term "Christ's Mass". Does this not say enough? Why is it that we are spending so much money on food and presents on a day that isn't important to so many of us. I know it makes no sense to be suffering from anxiety because of this ONE day a year... But it is causing just that in my little body. I try not to think about it... But every hour I have a thought about it or see something online or down the street that makes my brain flash at me saying "CHRISTMAS ANXIETY NOW ACTIVATED" and I am left thinking about the stress of gifts, money, gifts, money, sitting in a room with a dysfunctional family, money, gifts, oh shit is that an advent calendar on sale already, gifts, money, the thought of sitting in a room trying to keep a smile on your face when on the inside you would prefer to be at home cuddling your dogs, gifts, money, tinsel... Actually tinsel is probably the one Christmas based prop that i enjoy. Anyway you get the picture. I am literally suffering from this on a daily basis! At work recently I have had some absolutely gorgeous customers come in. They are keen to spoil their dogs (much like me), we talk about our dogs and are having a grand old time. SUDDENLY out of nowhere Christmas is in the conversation... I feel like The Grinch when he wakes up having to hear the Christmas cheer. END OF RANT. Over the course of a week two artists that I love have released new albums. These are Ceres and Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds. Right at this very second though as I type this I am listening to "Skeleton Tree" which is Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds new album. It came out today. I haven't felt the best today. My thoughts have been all over the place and I've felt tired and had a bit of a gut ache... Three of the shittest things all at once! Despite all this though I still decided to give this album a listen, even though I could already feel that this would be an extremely powerful, haunting and grief filled masterpiece. "Jesus Alone" is the first song on the album and the first of many tears to come. As any Nick Cave fan would know his son passed away from accidental death... I didn't want to assume that each song on this album would be completely about that. I feel that some of it probably is. I don't want to have that thought in my head though that it is all about his son (whether it is or not). Instead I have merged it to my own experiences of losing someone. If you put yourself in your own shoes (feels weird saying in your own shoes instead of someone elses) you can still walk long as if it were your very own story and album about dealing with grief. So now this album has become my very own story about death and losing someone. I can just feel the connection, the feeling that so many experience and can relate to. All of Nick Cave's lyrics and songs tell a story. I feel like he usually uses other characters to tell a story though in comparison to this album. This album honestly feels like HE IS THE CHARACTER. It is purely him. Not him hidden under the skin of another character. It is Nick in all his pain and glory. For me "I Need You" and "Distant Sky" speak to me the most. "I Need You" is the exact example of emotional suffering. I actually closed my eyes while listening to most of the songs on this album because they all took me into another world. The lyrics in this song that make my heart break are "Nothing really matters, when the one you love is gone". I mean.. FUCK. That line breaks you into a thousand delicate pieces that can't hold together, before floating off into darkness. The feeling of total loss is awful. You struggle to pick yourself up and care about anything. In this song he talks about how he is trying so hard to make something matter but it just doesn't anymore because he is in a pain that is unbearable. As a listener I can only imagine how this song made him feel, how hard it would have been to even sit down and write those things on a piece of paper. He is brave to have made such a personal thing public. I am glad that Nick has. It is a song that thousands and thousands of people will listen to and relate to. We will all experience the feeling that this song portrays at some point in our life, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. "In my heart I need you" is another incredibly strong and painful lyric to listen to. I, however think that this particular line is the most powerful one out of this entire song though... "I'll miss you when you're gone forever". Like I said, I don't want to assume that this song is about his son but to me this song speaks about death and the feelings that come along with coping with that. When I listened to "Distant Sky" I lay on the floor and closed my eyes. I imagined myself on a hilltop, watching the ocean come tumbling in. I was in the grass, the wind was blowing through my hair. I suddenly felt a chill... I turned around and there was a dark figure, just a shadow. Then I see my hand be held by someone. I am then floating away. I am flying next to some seagulls while I feel the sea mist on my face. The sun is going down and I am getting higher and higher. Flying in the clouds. I am not religious but I suddenly see a Church, with light shining through the coloured glass. The woman singing in this song is at this Church singing and saying "let us go now". So I go. I begin to see darkness. That is it. The song is over. I opened my eyes and could just feel the tears in my eyes. There are not many songs that I can close my eyes to and literally imagine and see a story unfold. This song did it to me though. I can fall deep into songs which I love and the experience of listening to this song was truly magical. I actually had a brief conversation today about the album cover. I find it interesting how you can look at something and feel something totally different to someone else. Even if it is just a black background with a title on it. Apparently Nick struggled to get his music to feel the way he felt about his son. After hearing this I see why a black background could fit in with the album. The darkness can be open to complete interpretation. A lot of people were assuming that the entire album would be about his son passing away (which hey I'm sure a lot of it is) however maybe the way he looked at it was he isn't sure what it is about... It is about his son, his grief, his emotions... So the black of this album cover (which could be confusion because of everything going on in his head) sums that up perfectly.
This album is full of so much raw emotion. I cried, I hugged my dogs because I love them, I felt relaxed, confused, taken to a world in my head, suffocated in darkness and pain all in 39 minutes. I feel like this album is something I will hold close to my heart forever maybe as a way to deal with similar experiences... I am not sure. I would recommend to listen to this album if you want to see, hear and feel Nick Cave on a much deeper level than anything else that he as ever released before. This album is truly haunting and beautiful. Try listening to it in the dark or with your eyes closed, let your mind run wild and fall into the dim, dark world that is Skeleton Tree. 10/10. When I was in High School getting called any name hit me like a tonne of bricks. I would cry about it, wag class because of it, distance myself from people and try to escape the real world by creating my own little world which for me was music.
The days where getting called "a fat emo" really don't seem that bad when you reach the "adult world" and get called every other bloody insult possible. Over a month ago I felt like life was too hard and like I wanted to hide away from everything. I wanted to sleep, stay at home and keep my distance. This is just my way of dealing with things. This month though I have somehow turned into someone who will not deal with anyone's "shit". The reason I call it shit here is because it literally is just a big load of shit that has no impact on my life anymore. I copped a heap of abuse from a bunch of people because of this article I wrote. It is about an insane breakthrough in my life and instead of people celebrating and supporting me there was an attempt by some to drag me down. This one person in particular who is ALWAYS without a doubt waiting for any chance to abuse me of course took total advantage of this article. As bad as it sounds though... I am used to this person trying to hurt me. They used to really get to me... Like REALLY get to me to the point where I wasn't sure if I was even in the right place in my life or surrounded by the right people. This person made me question my relationship, my job, my money... Every single aspect of my life no matter how microscopic was attacked by this one person. I used to cry about it and feel totally worthless but now I realise that I am better than that. My life is great! I can pay the bills, am studying, about to start working full time, start my apprenticeship, study some more, get a band up and running, save for a house and get a Career. I won't be working a job that I hate for the rest of my life but I will be working with something I enjoy... DOGS! I've grown to realise that no matter what there is always some toxic person out there lurking, just waiting for the moment to pounce on you. I have also realised that you do get to know people in a completely different way as you get older. You can see how ill informed, sexist, racist and downright awful a person can be. In the last month I have noticed this and have been able to see a completely different side to the people that I thought I knew quite well. I now see what they are truly like. I now see that I don't need that sort of toxicity in my life! When I was copping a lot from a heap of people I know the others around me that I were talking to expected me to be upset. They all assumed that I wouldn't be coping. For once though instead of curling up under a blanket in an attempt to avoid "my problems" I laughed. I was getting abuse hurled at me left right and centre yet all I could do was laugh. I half expected that it would all catch up to me and soon enough I would be watching Jane The Virgin whilst crying in bed (team Michael all the way for the record) but none of that happened. Even now I am still not feeling like it got to me. I have become comfortably numb to the abuse. I also got myself involved in a "Facebook war". There was a business which was totally sexist in more than one way that was not afraid to show it. I wouldn't let it slide and was sick of the fact that women sit there whilst getting treated like that! It is disgusting! I spoke up about it and received an insane amount of support from people that I knew but also people that I didn't know. People were expecting me to be hiding away at that as well... I mean what I did get called was insanely awful. I was told to "Shut up Sl**. Get on the tread mill ya fat f***". Then they ripped out this one "sexism. Lol. Shut up and clean the house ya fat c*** Sl**. Bet ya got a sticking hairy box too the fat whore maddie. Toe rag c***". This of course was NOTHING compared to the death threats, absolutely appalling photos I was getting sent and public naming and shaming. THIS was all because I was standing up for myself and the women around me who are too afraid to speak up against this kind of behaviour! It was absolutely disgusting and a complete eye opener. I shared this on my Facebook to prove a point that sexism is still alive and well. I then got victim blamed (by males of course). They were saying things like "you shouldn't have said anything. If you knew they were sexist why would you say anything when you would of course get this sort of abuse". Because a lady is wearing a short skirt is must mean she is asking for it right? Are you fucking kidding me MATE? So because I might get abused I should keep my mouth shut and let other women such as myself be abused? I don't think so. The point I am trying to make here is that there are some people out there who are really shit. They just are. They feel insecure about themselves so they have to make any attempt to make you fall below them so that they appear and feel stronger. Well guess what Ladies and Gents.. I am not going to give up fighting for what I believe in, what I care about or MYSELF. The awful things that people say to me mean nothing, especially if they are in fact a toxic person. I have more to worry about than a few people who can't wake up from their stupidity. Happy 2 Month Anniversary to me! This is roughly (roughly meaning it is nearly into the 3 month mark) how long I have had a diet free of meat. This may not be something that most people would be proud of but I am very proud of myself for completing the two month mark. When I was younger I did try and go vegetarian... I lasted a month. When I was in High School I didn't eat bacon for a year... I lasted that long. Then was turned off bacon! Now... Out of school, working and getting closer and closer to my 19th Birthday each day I have finally done it! In the beginning I thought that it would be hard. I thought it would cost a fortune. Turns out both of these things are not true at all! During the first month of not eating meat I did go through some withdrawals. Which seems stupid because it is FOOD, but there is seriously something about food and your body that makes you get/feel addicted! Both my partner and I suffered from these symptoms: Headaches... My gosh were there some intense headaches. We were tired... ALL THE TIME. I guess the fact that we started the whole transition just as Winter started made it a bit harder on the whole "tired" aspect of things, as we both already feel more tired in Winter as it it. The cravings... In the movies about pregnant ladies they are always talking about their cravings, wanting to eat and eat and eat that one thing they crave. No joke... I felt like I was one of those pregnant women on a TV show. Only thing was the things I was craving I couldn't eat because they contained the one thing I was getting out of my diet... MEAT. We were both also craving salty things like cheese, pickles, cheese... It is strange now looking back on it because most of the things that I was craving other than meat was actually dairy products. Coincidence? I think not. MOOD SWINGS... I hate mood swings, Ricky hates mood swings... Everyone hates them but boy oh boy did we get them. During this one month we actually seemed to be pissed off with each other, even for doing the smallest, annoying things. We pushed on through though and now feel better than ever! All of these symptoms disappeared after the first month. Once we began to eat a hell of a lot more nuts, lentils, legumes and other nutrient packed grains and vegetables we were feeling on top of the world. One of the things that I have enjoyed most (other than having a better gut and knowing that I am treading more lightly on the earth) is the amazing dishes! When I was eating meat I did love cooking and tried to make different dishes but most of the time our weeks began to have a routine. We would make the same things each week. Although now we do have that every now and again most of our weeks end up having at least one or two brand new, exciting and experimental vegetarian dishes! We mix it up more. This was last weeks meals. I actually tried 3 new recipes instead of 1: Sunday- Tuscan Tofu (I followed a recipe for Tuscan Chicken but then subbed the chicken for tofu instead). 10/10 meal by the way. Monday- Beetroot Burgers Tuesday- We had beetroot burgers again because I made way too many the night before and we don't want to waste food. Wednesday- Beer battered "fish" and chips. The "fish" in this case was actually eggplant marinated in a heap of delicious things that actually made it taste like fish! Thursday- this week is take away night because Ricky has Car Club to go to. It will be vegetarian pizzas. Friday- The ULTIMATE SUPREME roast ). A huge tray full to the brim with vegetables. Saturday- Is usually a lazy day where we may not even make dinner. It usually involves leftovers. Sometimes we may go and visit family and have dinner with them. Cooking vegetarian food has made my love for cooking even bigger than before. There are so many different things you can do! I know that with meat you can do a huge number of things as well... But if you were to ask a meat eater whether they would prefer a steak and chips compared to Beetroot burgers I am sure they would pick the steak because it is known to them and easy. It's so strange that eating differently sets up this weird barrier. It's like you can't be a human and vegetarian or there must be something wrong with you! You get spoken to differently because you are not eating a lump of flesh. How in the world does that even make sense?! It doesn't. In this small amount of time I have already had people concerned about my health "How are you going to get all the nutrients you need from vegetables", I've had people try and talk me out of eating vegetables, I've had people tell me that I am wasting money eating vegetables when I could be eating a steak and get everything I need (not true), I've had people try and justify that it is okay for them to eat meat because they know the animals are killed humanely, "We know where the animals are. They are growing up free range and then we kill them humanely". Clearly these people feel guilty about eating meat so they have to make themselves feel better somehow. It is a really weird conversation to have with people. I also just wanted to share this video. I have watched it 100 times already and still get teary about it. There were a lot of different things that inspired me to become vegetarian this is a video that I watched and it really made me think about my future and the life that I want to live. One day I want to be growing enough fruits and vegetables so that I can go out into my yard, pick the vegetables I need for dinner, cook it and eat it. UPDATE: Video is now not available on Youtube so here is the link: https://vimeo.com/151048885 Disclaimer: The intentions of this post are to share my thoughts with you. I am by no means trying to convert you to a vegetarian diet, make you feel bad or "attack" anyone. It has been 8 months (literally almost) since I have picked up an instrument... It's time for a little story... On January the 2nd my band played their last show. I can still remember the exact feeling that I was feeling that night, as we were on stage, playing to so many of the young people who supported us from the VERY beginning. It was a good night and a good send off but to be honest... I was fucking pissed off. There is literally no other way I could put it. I'm still pissed off about it. Basically this band was something that was started in year 7. For a few years before that I was madly in love with one of Australia's finest, The Living End. I loved everything about them and throughout most of my younger teenage years I wanted to grow up and be just like them. Playing shows and having fun, while singing about things that I believe in! So that's how it started really. It took a lot of work to get where we were last year. I put in hours of organising shows, merch, recordings, gigs and other things like posters and in general making contacts and connections with other bands from all over Australia and the world. It was a lot of hard fucking work. Blood, sweat, tears, my own money and frustration were put into that band. If we had a goal or a band we wanted to play with I would push to do it. When I think about (and lots of other fans have also mentioned it) if it wasn't for the hard work I put in trying to get shows we would have just been playing Foster Show each year (totally nothing wrong with that if it's your thing by the way). I was the one who made a goal of a particular band to play with because I was the most motivated to do it and push towards that goal. Before we knew it we were playing with 3 bands that were on the goal list. In fact our first BIG show was with The Smith Street Band, The Bennies and Luca Brasi. Three bands that were on the goal list all knocked out in one! After meeting those boys we were given so many crazy, rad opportunities, so many gigs because of them (and with them). We were playing with bands from America: Morning Glory, AJJ (Andrew Jackson Jihad at the time we played with them) Iron Chic, The Sidekicks and Max Stern (from Signals Midwest). We played with Gnarwolves from the UK. We played with some of the best bands coming out of Australia such as Clowns, Outright, Tired Lion, Wolfpack, The Getaway Plan, Fear Like Us, Georgia Mac ... The list goes on! Then came Festivals such as Moomba and Poison City Weekender Festival. Oh and not to mention the radio play on independent radio stations but also Triple J. AND INTERVIEWS ON TRIPLE J TOO! It was all happening and honestly if "things" had of stuck than we would have been playing with some sick bands this year and I know that for a fact. I am pissed off about that. I put in so much work and things were getting to this really good place before they totally collapsed before my very eyes... Why? I don't fucking know. It was all just a bunch of pathetic excuses. It really was. Since then my sister and I have been wanting to play again and do things but it isn't that easy to just get over something like this. It was honestly like a 6 year long relationship that was good at one point then totally fucked up the next. I am still 100% butthurt over it. I am still confused by it all... And I am still as angry as I was 8 months ago about it. However today I made progress. I picked up an instrument. After been in a total depressive state and hating everything to do with the thought of even playing music ever again, I picked up a guitar. You might be wondering why I did this and the reason is Ceres. Yeah, a band that I have recently been listening to somehow managed to influence me to pick up a guitar! I've seen so many awesome bands this year yet none of them made me actually pick up an instrument and play for the first time in 8 months. You would have thought that seeing Cosmic Psychos or Violent Soho, Or Jeff Rosenstock, Or The Living End would have done that but no. A band I have never seen live in my life made me play. When I saw The Smith Street Band, Luca Brasi, Joelistics and Jess Locke Band play a few months back this guy with a totally 100% dirty moustache (sorry if you read this Tom hahaha) got up and sang with Luca Brasi. I was blown away by his voice. Since then I have seen the boys from Luca Brasi post things about this band Ceres. So I decided to check them out. Something obviously popped inside of me because I just want to listen to them, see them live and hug them all for making me feel the way that I am feeling now. They have saved my music life. They really have and if I could right now I would tell them that and probably ask them if I can play with them. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that a band and playing music is a possibility again. I know it probably seems weird that ONE band has made me do this but they have. This is the start of a new beginning. The start of new music. The start of something bigger, better and stronger than ever before! To all the beautiful Rockenspiele fans, I love you and keep your eyes peeled because this lady is ready to give it another crack! Ceres. You have saved my life and I feel like I love you a lot for that. Also I am really stoked about these guys releasing a new album. Here is a song off that album which will be released on the 2nd of September. Also here is another youtube video which was I guess is Rockenspiele's Career in a nutshell. If you are interested check it out. Over the last few weeks I am felt extremely down. Social media has played a key role in this because day after day after day, all I am seeing is negativity. I don't have a TV, don't subscribe to any news sites or listen to the radio because in the past these 3 things have caused me to feel the exact same way I have been feeling. After seeing and hearing about all of the terrible things that have been going on all over the world it started to become too much for me to handle. I began to struggle to sleep because of this constant worry and the fact that my brain wouldn't switch off. Because of the trouble getting to sleep at night during the day all I would want to do is sleep… Which then of course left me with no motivation what so ever. The internet is a great thing but when you do get involved in the world of Facebook it can get very difficult to get out of. I have found myself sitting there staring at a screen. I get on there and scroll, click, like and comment. Before too long I have been staring at this screen for four hours. Where did all that time go? I have realised that it has a way of consuming my life more than I originally thought it did. I decided that because of the way I have been feeling that I had to get off Facebook. I needed to let my body heal itself. 1. YouTube Discovery Yes, YouTube involves a screen. I like to watch YouTube when I am eating a lone during the day or when I am doing something extremely boring like doing the dishes. On my YouTube travels I came across a channel called “Exploring with Josh”. The title says it all really. Basically Josh and a group of his friends travel around the world and explore buildings that have been left behind. I am an absolute sucker for stuff like this and was immediately hooked on his videos. He explores buildings such as old Asylums, Hospitals, Mansions, Ghost Towns, Theme Parks and even strange places that I didn’t know exist such as the Suicide Forest in Japan! If you like to look at old, rundown buildings, architecture and enjoy spooky vibes this channel is definitely the way to go. 2. We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, and we eat the seed Much like Neil from The Young Ones I am all for growing food in the backyard. While I was taking a break from being a lump in front of a screen I finally got around to putting some seeds in pots so that when Spring comes along I will have some happy, healthy seedlings to plant in the ground. I only have a small Vegie garden which is a shame. When renting it is harder to create a food forest, it’s not like I can turn the entire yard into one so I only have a small section which is dedicated to food. Another hard part about renting is that when you do make a vegie patch you put in a lot of time, effort and money… So if you do find out that you have to leave or that your lease is over it can be really heartbreaking. We are extremely lucky where we are because they don’t mind too much about what we do. We are allowed dogs, to build a small Vegie Patch and are even in the middle of building a chook pen. The seeds that I have planted this time around are: Chilli INFERNO, which sounds like heartburn on a plant, mixed with tears and pain, I have also put in some Capsicum, Eggplant and Watermelon. I get my seeds from Tasmania so they are grown in colder climates so I am very excited to see how the watermelon seeds go. Up next we have a few herb seeds which are happy in the ground too: Yarrow, Mugwort and Chamomile. 3. Meditate This is something that I should be doing every single day but sometimes for some reason I just don’t. It’s not that I am lazy. I just forget sometimes. It seems really stupid that I forget to find a peaceful spot to sit or lay with my eyes closed but I just do! This week though I have tried to do it more and hopefully it will become a habit from now on. Meditating is so good for the body and mind which is what needs to be worked on in my life at the moment. I actually got on top of our chook pen roof and just meditated for a bit before laying there looking at clouds. 4. Started a Creative Journal I honestly couldn't think of a better way to try and unwind myself at the end of the day. One of my problems that I have is that I can't switch my brain off when I go to bed. Over the last few weeks I have struggled to get to sleep at night because my brain won't shut off, which then leaves me wanting to sleep all day... Which then create me but as a lump version with no motivation to do anything what so ever. I decided that I will start having a journal to write in. I doubt I will write in it every single day but it would be nice to try. I will get out any thoughts that I am having BEFORE I go to bed so that all the negative thoughts can be closed away for the night. Creative Journals are pretty cool because they are not just writing on a page. They are drawings, bits of material... All different, colourful things to make it more pretty! 5. Puzzle This is probably one of my favourite things that I have done this week. I am not sure how many of you have heard of Seth Sentry but he is an Australia Hip Hop artist. Last week he had a little thing going on, online where you buy ANYTHING and receive a free puzzle. As part of his merch he has puzzles of his album artwork which I think is so unbelievably cool. I ordered something and got a free puzzle, then found out that Ricky had got one as well. We had both got one as a surprise for each other without knowing that we both ordered one. So this week it has been a huge week making this amazing puzzle. The best part is though we get to make another one straight afterwards too! 6. Sew, sew, sew I do this quite a bit however this week I got my sewing mojo back. For a while there is became non-existent. It was just after I got a heap of fabric as well! I am so glad I have picked up sewing again this week though because it is such a rewarding and relaxing (most of the time) thing to do. I will do a post very soon with my creations from this week as well as in the past. 7. Book This is a really insane thing for me to do. I used to be really into reading. When I was younger I remember going to Knox City with my parents most weekends and going into Borders Bookstore and spending my pocket money on A Series Of Unfortunate Events Books, the Rainbow Magic book series and a heap of those Dragonology, Wizardology etc. books. I was reading the entire Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter series by the time I was in grade 6. Then of course I went to high school and was forced to read books there as well as read in my own time. I read the Twilight Saga, re-read the Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings Series, read heaps of pathetic lovey dovey stories, I got into books to do with Titanic and also the whole tragic Hitler time in history... I used to read all the time when I really think about it. I would be finishing off big chapter books in one day because all I would do is sit there and read til the very last page. For some reason though out of nowhere I stopped reading. I didn't get into reading chapter books or going into another world, I didn't enjoy crying over the silly lovey dovey books or when someone died, reading become nothing to me. I tried reading Game of Thrones but even that became very hard! I tried reading The Zietgiest Movement... I did however read quite a lot of an Organic Vegetable Gardening book that I got for my 18th Birthday, I still haven't finished it though. Dad also got me a book called "The Power of Now". Still haven't read it. This week though I came across a book that I thought "I need that book. I need to read that" so I ordered it. Unfortunately it isn't here yet so I can't say whether or not I have spent the whole day reading it but it really stood out and had something about it that made me just want it. It is called Arthur: The dog who walked across the jungle to find a home. Basically from what I have seen it is all about a Swedish guy who is doing a huge marathon in the amazon. He comes across a stray dog one day in the jungle and feeds him a meatball. After that the dog doesn't leave him alone and stays by his side for the rest of the trip, before finally settling back in Sweden with his new found owner. I am not sure if it is because of my new love insane love for dogs or the fact that I need to read something happy but this book just looks/sounds amazing! Conclusion:
I of course did many other things on my "Facebook Holiday" but I don't want to make this blog insanely long. My conclusion though after all this is that Facebook does consume just a little bit too much of my life. I am sure I am not alone on this. Even from just going off it for a week it has made a difference in the way that I feel about life. Not too long ago I lost someone who was one of the most beautiful people to walk the planet... She used to tell me this "Sometimes you just can't hold the weight of the world on your shoulders. You need to forget about that and worry about yourself for a while". My Dad reminded me about this and made me realise that I do need to focus on myself a little more instead of everything else around me. If you feel like Facebook is becoming too much for you.. Just have a break. Even if it is for a few hours. Put that phone down and immerse yourself in the other things around you. I opened up my clothes draws today and could not find the one thing that I needed. I looked in every draw, throwing things all over the floor and bed. It was never in my draws though... I was in the wash because that is where ALL the things I wear more often end up at the end of the week.
I went back into the chaos of the bedroom and looked at all these things... Things that I don't need, things that I don't use, things that I probably don't actually want. I actually hate clothes shopping. I am one of those girls that if I hear that stupid "all girls like shopping, make up and shoes" I have something big to say about it as I am not keen on many of those things at all. I don't buy clothes each time I go into a shop because I hate it. I could not think of anything worse than going into a clothes shop and spending an hour there before moving onto the next shop. I get attached to things very easily (probably because I don't like clothes shopping) and that daggy T-shirt that I've had since I was 13 is one of them. When you realise though that in that pile of clothes there is not only one daggy top from the "old days" but 10 you need to reconsider things. I mean why do I need 4 of the exact same top?! At the time that seemed like a great idea taking advantage of the "4 for $10" sale (come on that is a good deal) but I have only worn one of those tops a few times... But I have 4 of them just sitting there. I went through every draw reminiscing with each item of clothing that I felt in my hands. Oh the memories!!! This happened with all of my draws. The shorts draw, the jumpers draw, the tee draw, the misc draw, the pyjamas draw... Even my socks draw. I GET ATTACHED TO MY SOCKS! We have so many THINGS that we just don't need. We go shopping because it makes us feel good and then when we buy something it gets added to our bunch of "things". I really want to start using a bit more self control with "things" that I don't need. If I really want to buy that beautiful dress then I should probably get rid of another one first, pass it on to another person who will love it as much as I did. It does get hard, especially when my weight changes and one minute a pair of jeans will fit me and the next they won't. It is nice to have that back up pair of jeans for when that happens but maybe I need a new system. Maybe I'll have my back up clothes tucked away in a box for when they are needed and the clothes I wear all the time in my draws. I could even have a box that is seasonal, hide the winter ones away in summer and the summer ones away in winter. IT IS TIME TO GET RID OF THIS STUFF. I have decided though instead of donating all of it to the Op shop I might actually try and turn my favourite items of clothing into "new and improved" items of clothing. Then those old tops could be a completely new thing for me to wear! I also LOVE to make baby clothes so I couldn't think of a better thing to do with my old favourite clothes than to turn them into baby clothes. I know it sounds crazy but I want to be one of those Mum's that makes baby clothes for their babies. I am actually getting not bad at making them and think of the amount of money saved! Baby clothes cost more than full size human clothes. If I start now by the time I am 100% ready to be a Mummy I will be an absolute baby-clothes-making-champion! I am going to make a post shortly with some of the clothes I have made and hopefully some that are made out of my favourite items of clothing. This is only part of the de-cluttering project that I want to begin to incorporate into my life. There will be future posts on other things that I need to de-clutter as clothing is not the only thing in my life that needs de-cluttering. I love the word de-clutter more and more each time I write it! Dear Michael Crafter,
I hope you are feeling great after your day of being a sexist, racist, misogynistic, transphobic piece of shit. I am sure you are on top of the world just like your pathetic supporters basically praising you on how great you are! So... Where was your daughter today? Was she at home with you playing with her toys? Or was she at kinder/school? Perhaps she was getting finger banged in a tent? I want to transport you into the future for a minute... Close your eyes.... Okay so your daughter is 15 and is going to see that hardcore band that she has fan-girled over since she had just started high school. She is so excited and is getting ready to go. On the drive to the venue she mentions the lack of women on the line up... I mean 5 bands on a line up and only 1 female. She is disappointed by that. You have 3 ways to respond: A) Pretend that you actually care what she is taking about. After all she is your daughter and you want her to grow up feeling strong and like she should be on the stage just as much as the males she sees shredding. B) TELL HER WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD US. That the reason that there is a lack of females on the line up is because they should be better. Do it, I dare you. Tell your daughter that she NEEDS to be better. It's not like she gets enough pressure each day from the things that she sees and hears at school, on social media or in advertising. High school is already a shit hole full of pressure but I think that you should probably tell your daughter that she isn't actually good enough to even play on a stage. C) Tell her that despite the lack of females on the line up, there will be a heap of girls happily getting finger banged up the back... They'll enjoy the show right? Hey maybe you could even mention the time that you said awful, disgusting things about women then mentioned all the naked snapchats you were getting... Because that totally shows your support for women. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should feel guilty about the things that you have said. You should also remember that your daughter won't always look up to you... And that no matter how many times you try to delete your comments WHATEVER YOU PUT ON THE INTERNET WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. I hope that one day your daughter googles your name to only find out what you have said about women. I hope that she makes you feel shit and unsupported like you have made so many other young women in the music industry who have supported you over the years feel over the last 24 hours. YOU HAVE LET YOUR DAUGHTER DOWN. YOU HAVE LET THEM DOWN. YOU HAVE LET THE WOMEN IN THE MUSIC SCENE DOWN. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MISOGYNISTIC VIEWS, YOUR SEXISM, YOUR RACISM, YOUR TRANSPHOBIA. Love Maddie, on behalf of all the women in the music industry who are going rise up against assholes like you. |
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